Finding what feels good is not the same with letting yourself do all the things you want to do. Eating and sleeping and watching tv/movies. Isn’t that perfect? But are those going to take you anywhere?
Like most of the girls I hated my belly rolls. When are they going to disappear? Stop eating fatty foods, start counting your calories, do exercise and control yourself. Easy for them to say. Like that’s gonna happen. But here comes summer with her eyebrows so high and making me feel like a pig. I don’t have anything against big girls. I love them all. I think they are beautiful. Some have even have curves! But who am I kidding?I remember standing in front of the mirror. I remember staring at my naked self and crying why my belly rolls are too big. I hated myself for not knowing how to control. I clinged to something that feels like a starting line not knowing that I could have start anytime.
I started going to the gym with some friends. It’s actually fun as long as you have buddies. Having people that shares the same thoughts indeed helps. Then one day, they stopped. They became busier. I didn’t like going on my own so I stopped too. I gained twice than I lost. I was frustrated again. I was crying again. I was hating myself again.
The struggle is real. No matter how I try to accept myself, I honestly can’t. Jealousy and insecurity ate me up. WHOLE. Body positivity is what I fakely practiced that time. I shouted how much I love my belly rolls and stretch marks and imperfections when I hate them to the core. People say things that doesn’t displease anyone. Social media can kill a person once it attacks so everybody tries to get out of it’s way.
I hated doing exercise. My feet hurts after running. I wanted to be that athletic active girl but I just can’t. I’m a lazy bum in reality. It was silly but I looked up some tips on google. How to lose wait without going to the gym? Home exercise was on top of the list but hohohoho here comes a yoga video.
Yoga was what I thought to be all sititng and meditating and even flying while closing your eyes and crossing your legs. Isn’t that kind of religious? I thought it’s a practice of being still. I never thought it was actually a journey.